Sadhna

I’ve been working on something for a good while, consistent for a mere 1.5 years and suddenly this weird thing happens, in my case since I’m in the investments business, everytime I hear someone say “Balance Sheet” I cringe from the inside and my first response is “Shut the fuck up !”. I don’t understand why. It’s called a burnout, i’ve experienced this once before 5 years ago, but why now? I can’t afford to lose time and frankly it’s already been 2 months since I’ve worked like I “used to” where it was more rewarding and at the same time felt like I am not doing enough and should keep pushing more, it was easier to track, easily putting 6-14 hours a day. Now, the moment I think of doing some research I automatically want to do something else. Why, why is this happening? So to look for answers, I searched far and wide across the globe (Googled it and asked chatGPT). Let’s focus first on the outer layer of things, I will get into the biology of it, but before that at a human level, I wa...

 I get a sense that I am an idiot. That I have a lot of potential, probably the most (Whatever that means), but it’s getting wasted. Wasted at a job, wasted at places that can’t take my 100%. From now on, I want to be free to be what I am, who I am and when I am, this is just a simple act of expressing myself done publicly. I also find myself incompetent, incompetent as a thinker, incompetent at figuring out where to invest ?, how to get good returns ?, how to think about life ?, how to think about happiness ?, what am i even doing here on this planet ?, why do I need to poop?, how does air pollution kill me exactly ?, Why the fuck do we get infections, especially in the throat? and many many many more questions. Mostly because I never take out the time to think, to have the pleasure of just experiencing thought for purely the act of it. Not to be superficial, especially when you run the risk of tending towards superficiality as you get discovered. Still, I believe my thought holds...