Sadhna

 I get a sense that I am an idiot.

That I have a lot of potential, probably the most (Whatever that means), but it’s getting wasted. Wasted at a job, wasted at places that can’t take my 100%. From now on, I want to be free to be what I am, who I am and when I am, this is just a simple act of expressing myself done publicly.

I also find myself incompetent, incompetent as a thinker, incompetent at figuring out where to invest ?, how to get good returns ?, how to think about life ?, how to think about happiness ?, what am i even doing here on this planet ?, why do I need to poop?, how does air pollution kill me exactly ?, Why the fuck do we get infections, especially in the throat? and many many many more questions.

Mostly because I never take out the time to think, to have the pleasure of just experiencing thought for purely the act of it.

Not to be superficial, especially when you run the risk of tending towards superficiality as you get discovered. Still, I believe my thought holds a lot of value, especially my reasoned thought, perhaps not to everyone, but to me.

But my thoughts need to be more, they need to be more than some half assed effort i put, i think i lack focus on just improving my quality of thoughts and outputs. My thought needs organisation too, My thought needs assessment too, My thought needs to become purer, I must act more in harmony with what I enjoy, the sheer love in doing something for it’s own sake is why I begin but to strengthen that requires practice, brutal daily practice.

Their need to be more drops before I become bigger than the ocean.

I want to practice Sadhna, but to define it first, as per the infinite wisdom of a Reddit answer by Severe_Composer_9494 (Source) and another cool and detailed answer from a Quora post by Manil Gunawardane (Source):

“The term sadhna comes from the Sanskrit root, sadhu, meaning “go straight to a goal”. Routinely applying mind, body and spirit in the pursuit of a spiritual goal is the most natural and efficient way to surrender the ego, to find relief from suffering and to attain peace.

With intention, awareness, discipline and daily practice, almost anything can be considered as sadhana. Where discipline is arguably the most important facet of sadhana.”

While traditionally repeating things like counting beads, writing a mantra, chanting and even meditation are done as sadhana, in my experience, doing any task with 100% awareness and intent automatically seems to be a peaceful activity.

In fact the reason for me to start this whole activity is that I have been scrolling instagram for 2 days straight spending 5 hours each day and honestly while it starts off as fun it quickly starts feeling like shit. What’s inherently bad about that activity is the lack of intent, you don’t want to watch something out of curiosity, rather you’re being brain-fed like an ugly obese child, more and more and more until your brain is full of this crap.

So the simple road to peacefulness seems to come from being aware, intent and disciplined about what I’m doing and making the task bigger than myself.

If i don’t make it bigger than myself, if I don’t see it as divine at one point I stop looking at it as a place to put 100% of my effort in.

The “what do i do during Sadhana ?” for me, that would be to write to solve my genuine curiosity about things or express myself and my thoughts.

Writing, just as a practice to achieve a state of awareness and peace.

Now for the “making it bigger than myself bit” I don’t understand divinity, it seems to me a foolish errand to be believing in a mighty power that’s exceptionally advanced enough to create and monitor all life with a focus on humanity, considering just how large the universe is.

That’s probably why, to make things bigger than themselves people look towards leaving something for posterity, for a time when they’re gone.

This might be it for me, this might be something that survives maybe 1,000-2,000 years? Well…. Even if it did survive, the production rate for newer content over the next 1,000 years would be so enormous that there is not even a 1% chance that someone will read this.

But probably that’s why people create, to a leave a piece of themselves, to leave something that shouts, “hey, don’t forget me, I don’t even know what I am but I can share some bit of my essence to you the viewer, maybe we’ll connect even when I’m dead”, even if there’s no guarantee that people will look at it later, you can only try to make the work so valuable that there is no way to forget what you’re saying even after a 1,000 years.

Apart from super tall claims the other thing that matters is making it public to have some measure of accountability. I need it to be always under threat of external observation, the fear of judgement, the fear that anyone if they care, can read this stuff.

If it’s not simple, not clear, not too the point, not fun to read, i’ll know that I shipped junk under my name.(*Spits) Pathetic.

So it seems a decently simple idea to write everyday and make it public.